How To Help A Loved One Undergoing Depression
How often do we hear the words “it’s so depressing” or “I am feeling depressed”?
Depression has become a rather broad, over-inclusive, and quite loosely used term, to indicate any form of low mood.
“My hair are falling in dozen, I’m feeling depressed”; “My parents won’t let me go to the prom night, I want to die”. In saying these words, how casually do we refer to an emotion that is fleetingly negative? Do we ever realize the gravity of using the term ‘depression’ so loosely when it can be such a debilitating disease?
People, who suffer from mental health problems are often afraid to come out in the open about their illness for fear of being judged, fear of being perceived as weak or unfit to cope, fear of being rejected by their own kith and kin. If someone musters the courage to talk about it, they are usually rebuffed as simply having an “off day” or as temporarily going through a “rough patch”. Society doesn’t make it easy for those undergoing depression to reach out for help. Well-meaning comments such as “it will pass”, or “you will get over it” further dumb down the intensity of the feelings associated with clinical depression. Similarly, well-intended advice such as “go for a morning walk”, “try to meditate”, “you need to make more effort to get out and meet people” or “you need to be more positive” (I myself have been guilty of using the very same phrases when I should have been more compassionate) goes on to show, how ‘closed’ we are as a society, in accepting mental illness seriously.
If you have not experienced clinical depression, it is very difficult to understand the sense of utter hopelessness, debilitating sense of fatigue, loneliness, isolation, and the emotional black hole that is all-pervasive and all-consuming. The day-to-day pattern gets brutally disrupted which is followed by the inability to take pleasure in anything, a gradual disconnect from reality, bursting into tears for no apparent reason, perpetual tightness in the chest, a visceral feeling of pain, and the sense that all is irretrievably lost. It affects daily functioning, sleep, work, relationships — invariably all aspects of life! It is not a passing or a fleeting feeling; it is persistent and, omnipresent!
You know that saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me”? Guess what? When it comes to talking about mental health, it’s a whole lot of crap!
Words matter and can cause indelible harm, whether intended or not. You need to be really careful with your words/actions around people with mental health issues. Your words could be the difference between pushing them further into their shell or easing them into opening up and seeking help.
Seeing a loved one struggling with depression is not easy. Whether it is your friend or partner or parent or child. You want to be there for them, support them, and help them feel better.
Relationships often end up as collateral damage in the wake of depression. It doesn’t have to be that way though!
With a little motivation and lots of compassion, you and your loved one can navigate through depression without damaging your relationship.
God forbid, during severely challenging times, it is possible that both the partners or sometimes all the members of the family could be going through varied degrees of depression. It then falls upon the immediate circle of friends, colleagues, and relatives, to be sensitive, understanding, and supportive to their best, to help the ones, in grip of depression sail out of the blues, in one piece!
While Generation Z has been called the most depressed generation, the good thing is, members of this group seek out mental health counseling or therapy more readily than their older peers. Thanks to them, having been taboo for decades, if not centuries, mental health is now being openly discussed and people are coming forth to seek help.
Do you know of someone undergoing clinical depression? Does their condition tug at your heart? Do you want to help them? Are you at a loss, how to help them? Here are a few tips to begin with:
Lend them a listening ear with an open and encouraging heart.
It is frustrating to see your loved one struggle, but no matter how many blogs and books you read, you can’t fathom what they might be going through. So don’t preach them! They don’t need you to find a quick fix. All they need is a listening ear — when and if they want to talk. The space to be heard without being judged is the most beautiful gift you can give them.
Don’t Rush. Be Patient.
Depression does not look the same every day — some days are good, some really bad. Remember that change is rarely linear, less so during recovery from depression. Help your loved one to see any signs of progress without the expectation that it is permanent. Show them the reasons to be happy. Cheer them up. Depression often strips people of their self-worth. A person with depression struggles to acknowledge any positive change but magnifies even the smallest setback. Recognize and remind them of their achievements. Don’t give false hope or patronize, but pat them, for every small win.
Fill in the gap when and where they need support.
Seemingly simple tasks like restocking groceries, making the bed, or replying to emails can be overwhelming in the midst of a depressive episode. When possible, support them with everyday chores and simple tasks. Instead of asking ‘what can I do for you’, identify tasks they are struggling with and offer concrete help. Ask for permission — you don’t want to add to their feeling of losing control and autonomy.
Don’t Judge. Be understanding.
A person with depression is already struggling with highly critical thoughts and beliefs about themselves. Don’t add to their burden of self-blame by saying things like ‘you should try harder’, ‘you will feel better if you go out more’, or ‘there is so much to be happy about’. You don’t have to walk on eggshells around them, but be mindful of the impact your words can have.
Don’t shun them when they need you the most.
When in grip of depression, it’s very common to have angry outbursts, irritability, or frustration over petty things. The person may say something terrible and may not even mean it but you can end up getting hurt. Understand that their thoughts and words are not in their control. It’s you who has to retain sanity for both of you and stick around, no matter how bruised you feel. That’s the time they need you the most. Hug them, don’t shun them.
Don’t hesitate to intervene when required.
Depression can increase a person’s risk of suicide or self-injury, so it’s helpful to know how to recognize the signs. If you feel the person is contemplating suicide, urge them to call their therapist while you’re with them or call for them, yourself. Be vigilant and don’t hesitate to immediately seek help if you feel things are slipping out of control.
It is often not possible for a person to explain why and how they experience depression because it is so intangible, and finding the words to adequately express how they feel can be extremely challenging. More than just a bout of the blues, depression isn’t a weakness, and one can’t simply “snap out” of it. It may require long-term treatment. But don’t get discouraged. Most people with depression do recover with appropriate care, medication, and psychotherapy that is individual to their needs. We need to respect the seriousness of clinical depression and support people in a meaningful way in their recovery.
So, the next time you say, “I am feeling depressed” pause and reflect
“Am I depressed, or is it that I am just having an off day?”
There is a world of difference!
